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TITLE: Earth: Final Pits Stop (AKA: The Day the Conflict Died)
AUTHOR: Gray & Co.
TYPE: Humor
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMERS: All Earth: Final Conflict characters is the property of Tribune
Entertainment and all related
affiliations (Kirshner-Roddenberry, Atlantis, etc.)
SPOILERS: Just to be safe, everything up and into Season 2! :-)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Just a collection of attempted humorous thoughts, comments,
and miscellaneous references to
other shows from a loyal EFC fan (Gray), a novitiate to the Church of the
Companions (read: newbie watcher, aka:
Damon) and a dedicated 'I hate EFC' fan (Sabbath). Madness ensues so we can't
be held accountable for what
follows after months of no new
episodes!
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Earth: Final Pit Stop (aka The Day the Conflict Died) by Gray & Co. (Damon and Sabbath) Okay, so here I was hanging out at the Big Z waiting for ol' Cap'n Johnny "Nuke Em" to show up to leap off a cliff so we could finally end this silly little family spat. Now you gotta remember, I'm old y'see. Been around a long, long time. Well, as you can imagine someone as old as myself can get a bit bored just hanging out in a bunch of caves on some obscure world thousands of light years from your homeworld waiting for you to slither out of the primordial goo, climb down out of them trees, become sentient and then become intelligent enough for you to get out here so old Johnny boy can show up. Now I just finished up a chat here with a nice little chap named Valen before he headed out for parts unknown and I began to think 'Hey! Why can't I just get and go. Take a vacation. Yeah, Yeah. That's it. Put up the ol' Gone Fishing sign.' So y'know what? That's what I did. Hehehe. So here I am peeking around in the Great Bird of the Galaxy's universe, hoping I don't get walloped by the mother of all droppings and at the same time avoiding the greatest evil in the Galaxy.......lawyers.Y'know just taking a look around at something other than the Universum Babylonaie and maybe have a little harmless fun. Hey now! This looks interesting..... A man and a woman in an building obviously not human in origin. Either that or an interior decorator took the phrase minimalist and airy to a bizarre extreme. The male had some plastic looking thing on his arm. A designer squid? Hmm...doesn't match the nice dark suit. The woman had eyebrows to kill for. Literally. I wonder if she has to licence them as lethal weapons. Could poke someones eyes out y'know. What is it they are discussing? "Bet it is!" "Not it aint, Sandoval!" "Let's compare." "Eww. No." "What?!" A puff of white smoke, some cheesy flashy effects, some sudden ethereal back ground music with a dichotomous thumping bass to build tension appears quickly replaced to reveal......Braveheart!!! Just kidding. Naw some red haired dude that seems familiar. Now why does a kid and something about being left home come to mind. Ah well. Still, got to do something about those bacon strips someone plastered to his face. Here let me. *ping* Ah much better. Red looks better now. Hmm, he's got one of them squid thingy's too. Too bad he's got nothing but his underwear on. Jeez. I didn't know humans could get that red. And that Lili gal looks like she'll laugh herself to death. Better help the poor guy out. *ping* "Hey thanks!" Red hair waves to me. Interesting, I didn't think they could see me. "Who are you talking to?" Lili, the I'm-just-a-shuttle-pilot-working-for-the-Resistance-trying-to-free-my- world-on-a-shoestring-budget-because-Doors-is-a-tight-wad, asks. "Uh...er...um..." Red articulates eloquently. Hehe. "Boone!" Sandoval, the skrill-it-and-ask-question-later-while-I-commit-my-wife-for-her-knowledge-that-I- love-Barney...oops...er...Zo'or that is, screams his name and runs off into the night. Or Companion headquarters. Which ever is closest. "What's his problem?" Big Red, er..uh sorry...Boone asks bravely, skrill hissing and glowing like a sputtering firecracker for no other apparent reason than gratuitous use of a skrill special effects. Still it looks cool. "I dunno. May be cause you're dead." Lili replied non chalantly. "No I aint." Boone argues. "Yeah you are. Here lemme show you the tape." Lili starts up a vcr and tv that are conveniently nearby. Undeterred by this evidence of his non existence, our fearless hero grins. "Well, I'm back and I want to skrill something." "Come on, Da'an will want to see ya. And you got to meet Liam." Lili gestures and their off to the flying cockroach mobile, though it actually kind of looks like a mutant june bug on steroid. Go figure. Hmm...interesting. Somebody plasters some silly putty into the shape of a mutant purple shroom and calls it alien architecture. The Taelons sound weird. "Da'an, looks who is here!" Lili cries out happily as she the approach a strange being. Curious. Since when did faberge eggs gain two legs, two arms, some nifty running lights, a unisex tailor and intelligence? Oops, sorry back to the dialog. "Kevin!! Er...uh sorry....Boone!!" Da'an rushed over to Boone faster than Superman (now how do I know about an Earth cultural figure if I am an alien?) hugging the big red guy enthusiastically. All the time he is turning every shade of blue and white imaginable. Lili put on her sun glasses. Big red seems to be doing the same (the huggin that is, not the glowing). Hmm, wonder what sex this Dawn is? :::ouch! ok..ok...sorry Da'an:::: Man! Got to watch out for the spelling errors. WHAM! (<--sound of falling dictionary) Feel the wrath of 10,000 correctly spelled words. Bwahahah!! Ok..ok Yes I am certifiable. Hehehe. Back to the story. Our favorite heroes are still enthusiastically embracing. "Missed ya Da'an." "I missed you too Boone." Suddenly as if from no where appears our executive TPTB Replacement Hero (TM) (just add water) appears. Why? Cause I said so. Hehe. "Umm. Da'an?" Our newly appointed intrepid defender of Da'an asks timidly. "Ah Liam. Meet William Boone, the guy you replaced." Da'an skips away merrily to some bizarre chair that looks more like a torture device than a proper place to sit. The two men shake hands. "Liam Kincaid." "William Boone." Cool, the newbie's hands glow. "Hey, nice shakarava." Red notes. "Thanks. Dad got 'em for me." "Cool." "Nice skrill. Can I pet him?" "Sure," The skrill purrs happily. Ack! Noooo!!! Not the return of the skribbles!! Just kidding...hehehe. "So you waxed Zo'or yet?" Red..er Boone asks. "Naw. Da'an wont let me." "Da'an, how can you deny him. Let him give Zo'or the jolt of a lifetime." Red says to Da'an. Da'an seems to be in heaven, a dreamy cat-that-ate-the-canary look on his...her...um....its face. "Will, I'm shocked. Truly shocked." "Well that is sorta the idea." Liam grins maniacally. "Hehe. William stop corrupting the alien freakazoid baby." Da'an lectures, completely out of character. "But..Da'an...." Red whines. Hmm...looks like the skrill-suit dude is back. "Da'an! Da'an! Boone is..." "Hiya Sandy." Red gives a cheshire grin and leans up against Da'an's throne non chalantly. "Aaaahhhh!!!" "Jeez, Sandy. Give it a rest." Lili waggles her eyebrows in disgust. "Yeah, Dad. Go find mom or something." Liam agrees. "Oh, Ronnie!" Hmm...who is this obviously North American woman with a bad Irish accent? Ick. I see she also has a custom squid jewelry and horrendous clothing. What is it with these people? Does possession of these skrills cause color blindness or is it a requirement to have bad clothing in order to receive one? "AAAHHHHH!!!" Sandy screeches. "Here, Sandy. Relax." Red tosses Sandy a beer. Don't ask where it came from 'cause I dunno. Da'an's private kegger cache? "But alcohol doesn't affect implants." Sandy whines morosely. "It does now. The fanfic writer says so." Liam replies. "Cool!" Sandy guzzles the beer, grabs the mystical Irish Ice Queen, and disappears down one of the purply halls. "Guess he didn't need any encouragement." Lili comments sarcastically. The four chuckle knowingly. Woo Hoo! "What is the meaning of this?! Where's Sandy...er um Sandoval?" Zo'or's snooty sounding voice asks, walking past Red as if he isn't even there. Red pokes his tongue out at him bravely, risking his taste buds for a chance to cheese off the Great White Twit. "As you can see your attempt to eliminate Commander Boone in your perfidious machination to withhold from me my most trusted advisor was wrought with inaccuracies and thus failed. William has sallied forth to the void and returned forthwith to our presence in which to enlighten us with his perceptive ruminations upon the condition of humanity." Meanwhile Lili, Red, and Liam consult a dictionary and a thesaurus to translate Da'an's words while Zo'or stands there looking smug since he can't possibly admit that he doesn't have a clue what Da'an said and is thus mentally perusing the Taelon equivalent of a dictionary and a thesaurus while the Synod giggles in the back of his mind. "Yes! That's it!" Lili crows happily, while Wil wipes a tear from his eye and hugs Da'an. "I love you, man!" Sandy returns with a smug smile and Irish lady hanging on his arm happily. Da'an just smiles serenely. Zo'or sneers. "Welcome back from the void, Commander." "Bite me!" Red grins as Da'an pats him on the head, almost like a good Irish setter that's done well for it's master. "Can I? Can I? Huh? huh? Pleeeeaaasseee??" Lili asks. "Later." "I have a new weapon that will ensure humanity and our enemy bends to our will!" Zo'or announces grandiously. Da'an yawns. "What is it, Zo'or?" Sandy sucks up. Lili and Boone look at one another consideringly. Liam just stands there like a lump. "I am prepared to unleash the most devastating weapon ever created." The snooty faberge egg with attitude says. "What? Micky Mouse?" Liam asks. Lili, Red, Ice Queen, and Da'an snicker. Sandy smiles. Zo'or continuous on unaware. "A weapon of true power that no one can resist. Come observe." Zo'or pushed the button on his remote activating the Taelon Mist-O-Vision (TM). "Behold....." And the most terrifying sound known in the universe began.... "I love you. You love me.." "NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ---------------------- A thousand light years away, Ro'Ha, Companion to the Heavens (sorry just had to add that), wanders the stellar sea contentedly. Hearing the call, he winces. "Poor bastards." ---------------------- "Now you see the truth of my words." Zo'or laughs maniacally. Even Sandoval slinks away from the deranged Taelon. "Madness!" Da'an hisses. Red skrills the mad Taelon with a spectacular flash and hiss. Zo'or screams long and loud as it takes a full ten seconds for him to dissolve into oblivion. "By the void, you killed Zo'or" Da'an states, sounding elated. --------------------- TROMPTROMPTROMPTROMPTROMP
"You Gray?"
"Uh...yeah."
"You doin'g a South Park parody?"
"Um..sorta....no Wait!! Ahh!!!
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! <---Narn Bat Squad special appearance for cheesy attempted parody of South Park --------------------- "Oops." Red grins. "Nice shot" Lili pats Wil on his back. "Wish I had thought of that." Sandy mutters. "Will, you just killed Zo'or!" "Umm..your point being?" Red asks. "Uh..well.....let's party!!!" "Woo hoo" "Yeah" "All right!!" "I declare universal peace!" Quo'on declares, appearing from no where with Doors, Belman and the rest of the Liberation crew. Da'an and Doors hug. He's wearing a "I love Taelons" button. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Da'an." "And I you Jonathan." They embrace. "Awww." Sighs the crowd. Ack! Ack! Ack! <---me gagging. Da'an starts up the hidden strobes lights and cranks up the stereo, drinks flow and the nights partying begin. Everyone is happy! And they were singing......(profound apologies for the following hack job of Miss American Pie, courtesy of Damon & Sabbath) "Bye, bye syndication bites. Drove my shuttle to the Hubble to look in the night. "And good ol' skrills were hissin' and sighin'. Singing this was the day the Conflict died." Well, my work is done. See ya on the big Z! Or the Rim if I miss ya! Death to Zo'or! Honk if you love skrills. Have you adopted a Taelon today? Fin.